Chapter 34

Chapter 34

I forget about my desire to destroy Todd by the time he finishes his story. My chilling vision is not of a pregnant girl freezing to death in an alley, but of a paralyzed girl entombed in a mansion with her evil mother. Susie is trapped in that big house with a woman who’s done nothing but ruin her life. She’s there because I abandoned her there.

She said she didn’t want me around and I believed her. Believing her was the easiest solution to everything. Retreating meant I didn’t have to make all those painful visits to the hospital. I didn’t have to sit in an uncomfortable room all night, holding her hand and reassuring her everything would work out in the end. I didn’t have to hold her when she cried after a phantom itch in her useless legs or a nightmare about the Trench Coat Bandit. I didn’t have to do any of those things a boyfriend—a loved one—needed to do. I simply walked away, telling myself that’s the way she wanted things.

As I stand in Alternate Dimensions, I think about all those heroes whose adventures I read over the years. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, and all the rest didn’t quit just because it was the easiest thing to do. They didn’t walk away when someone needed them. They kept fighting, no matter what. Of course superheroes have it easy; their struggles are designed so they wind up victorious in the last page. In real life, there’s no guarantee anything will happen if I go to Susie’s house.

I owe it to her and myself to try. Like Todd said, I blew a good thing once; I’m not going to do it again. I’m going to win her back, even if it means camping out at the front gate of the Steemroller’s mansion until the cops haul me away. She’s not going to get rid of me so easily this time.

I run out to my car and start up the engine before I’ve closed the door. I streak away from Alternate Dimensions and towards Susie’s house. I’m driving as wild and reckless as when Diana had the ear infection. Someone just as important is at stake this time.

As I drive, the last nine months become clearer to me. Of all the girls I fucked, Susie was the only one I ever gave a damn about as something more than a good lay. I tried to never see her as anything more than a great pair of tits, but it was a lie I forced myself to believe. All the proof I need comes from the times I lost her. After I abandoned her Indianapolis and again after the botched robbery, I was miserable without her. I tried to move on, but I couldn’t replace her.

Now I’m ready to admit the truth to myself. More importantly, I’m ready to admit the truth to her. I drive even faster and more recklessly as I cross the river and head into the wealthier section of town. I remember the first night she took me this way to go dancing. She was so shy and self-conscious that night. I contrast this with the night she told me about her summer in California. For someone like her, it must have taken a monumental act of will to confess something so personal. That was the night everything changed for both of us. She lost her awkwardness and I gained a partner, becoming a one-woman man for the first time.

I slow down as I near Susie’s house. I wonder if things can really be the same between us. She’s crippled now; she can’t have sex. Was there ever anything more between us than sex? I think about the trip to Indianapolis. She wanted something more to happen then. She wanted us to become more than sexual partners. She wanted us to become lovers and I abandoned her. Now’s the time to correct that mistake.

I stop at the gate to the Steemroller’s mansion and press the intercom button. “What do you want?” the Steemroller says.

“I’m here to see Susie.”

“Leave now before I call the police.”

“You do what you have to do. I’m going to see her.” I’ve never tried to break through gates with a car before. In the movies the gates always go flying in either direction like they’re made of tinfoil—which they probably are—and the car keeps speeding through. I back up my Volvo, praying that safety-conscious Swedish engineering will give me the edge.

I rev the engine up to build as much momentum as I can. Smoke is coming from the tires and the car is shaking so much I’m not sure if it will hold together long enough to hit the gates. Then, just as I’m about to release the brake, the gates begin to swing open. I manage to hold onto the brake long enough for the gates to open completely and then roar up the driveway.

The Steemroller is waiting for me at the front door. “The police are on their way,” she says.

“I don’t care,” I say. I’m not about to let her cow me before I’ve seen Susie. “Where is she?”

“She doesn’t want to see you. You’re the one who ruined her life. What could you possibly say to her now?”

“I’m going to set the record straight about a lot of things.” I push the Steemroller aside and stomp along the front hall. She doesn’t even try to stop me. Maybe she figures I’ll get myself so lost in the house that I won’t find Susie before the cops drag me out. She’s probably right.

She contents herself with keeping pace so she can launch verbal jabs at me. “Do you have any idea how much pain you’ve put her through? She’s tried to kill herself twice. The first time she broke the lamp next to her bed so she could use a piece of broken glass to slice open her wrists. The second time she tried to drink a bottle of drain opener. She cries herself to sleep every night. Most nights she wakes up screaming. Before long, I’ll have to put her in a mental asylum. You’ve turned my daughter into a lunatic.”

At this point I’ve had enough. I shove her against a wall and feel the same rage as with Todd. I press my elbow against her throat to pin her in place. “If she did any of those things, it’s because you make her so miserable.” I want to press down until she can’t breathe. I’d do Susie and the world at large a favor by choking the life out of this bitch. All she’s ever done is make people miserable. Susie would still be an awkward virgin if the Steemroller had her way.

But I don’t have time to finish her off. I have to find Susie. “Where’s Susie?” I ask.

“I’m not telling you. I’m not going to let you do her any further harm.”

“I don’t want to hurt her. I want to make things right.”

“You say that now and maybe you mean it. Maybe you’ll even act like a gentleman for a little while, but you’ll grow tired of it. You can’t change what you are underneath.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I say. “And maybe what’s underneath is the nice guy. Ever thought of that?”

“I’m not going to take that chance.”

“Why? You said Susie is a lunatic. Doesn’t seem like I can do anymore harm to her then.”

The smile that spreads across her face reminds me of the Grinch in that old Christmas special. Her grin is the most repulsive smile I’ve ever seen. “Touche. She’s in her studio.” The Steemroller gives me directions on how to navigate the maze leading to Susie. I should have brought a ball of string to find my way back.

I run through the halls of the mansion, wondering how long before the police get here. Maybe the Steemroller didn’t even call the cops. She might have been bluffing, just like with the gates. If she hadn’t called them already, she might have now that I tried to crush the life from her. I run faster, hoping I’ll have enough time.

I reach a set of double doors at the end of a hallway that leads to Susie’s “studio.” I’m not sure what the Steemroller meant by that. I pause at the doors to catch my breath before I throw them open, unsure of what I’ll find on the other side.